You can never get enough of what you don’t need!

People by nature make comparisons

Am I smarter, prettier, better off than someone else?  Why we do this is curious.  It’s a way to find out where we fit and whether we are ‘good enough.’  Is that what we really need to feel good about ourselves, to observe that we are more or have more than someone else?  Or is that filling a false need, so that no matter how many ways we can come out on top we can not be enough for ourselves or other people?

The way we treat our children also comes into play if this feeling of not having enough or being enough exists in our hearts.  We all want to love and support our children so they thrive.  How do we do this?  What are a child’s true developmental needs?

Dr. Laurence Steinberg studies high risk behavior in adolescence at Temple University.  In his new book, Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the Science of Adolescence, he defines what he regards as the best parenting approach as the authoritative parent.  An authoritative parent is able to provide consistent and age appropriate emotional support, affection and firm limits.  These qualities in parents help a child thrive. Children without limits don’t learn self control and children without emotional support loose heart and often fail because they quit too soon.

What can we as parents do to help our children thrive at any age?  First, explore what needs exist in your child at different stages.  For instance, a baby needs food, warmth and protection as well as loving smiles from caretakers.  A toddler usually has need of firm limits and clear expectations.  A school age child needs cognitive stimulation and success in school both academically and socially.  A teen needs firm limits and direction from parents who don’t overreact to a teen’s breaking away or testing parental controls.

Within the context of a child’s developmental stage the most important ingredient a parent can give is quality interactive time and setting up experiences that are growth producing.  Because it may be hard to figure out exactly what to do, parents fall into the trap of buying things and expecting the toys, gadgets, gizmos and fancy birthday parties to do something for their child that their time and attention doesn’t do. Comparing ourselves with others and not challenging our own creativity exaggerates or amplifies the feeling that nothing feels like enough and that you and your child may never have enough or be enough.

Here are some basic tips to help you and your child thrive:

1. Learn to reflect on your motivations for doing what you do so you make a choice for yourself instead of acting impulsively or out of habit.
2. Trust your own instincts and ask, “Is this what I really want for me, my child, my family?”
3. Set short term mid term and long term goals so you don’t get lost in the present.  For instance, instead of spending $500 on a birthday party for a five year old, spend $75 and put $425 into a 529 saving plan for college.

4. Have fun and enjoy both yourself and child.  Worry gets in the way of spontaneous pleasure.  Do you and your child want to remember the good old days of laughter and pleasure or worry and concern?